In November I started having some health issues and after a visit to the doctor found out we were expecting a new little bundle of joy in our family. This was a very happy and exciting thing for us, but unfortunatley that's where it stops. After months of doctors visits and health issues we lost our baby on January 14th. This was obviously a horrible time for everyone, and something that will always be on my mind. This topic really deserves its own post and I thought I would have written about it by now, but it has been to hard. I promise a post will be coming soon though, maybe around the 28th when we do a memory thing for the baby.
Unfortunately that wasn't the only loss we have faced recently, last week we lost our dog Jasmine. Jazz became a member of my family when I was 15 years old, so she has been with us a long time, and was very loved by all. I am glad she isn't suffering, but I still can't fathom that she won't be back.
That brings us to the next D word, DIVORCE. In February something I thought was impossible happened, Jay moved out and filed for divorce. We went through months of hurt feelings and arguing, but have now reached a better place. I would even venture to say we are probably closer now than we have been the last several years. It still eats at me though. I didn't think I would ever get divorced. Divorce isn't even something I really believe in. It is what was best for our family though, and all of us are doing well now. However with divorce comes judgement.... everyone has their own thoughts and their own opinions. People can tell you exactly why we got divorced, which to this day still isn't something I can do. People can tell you what would have saved our marriage, without ever asking us what we tried..... and of course people can point fingers.
Lastly we come to DATING... something I had hoped I was done with forever. However, with the end of my marriage I have now been thrown back into the dating world. I hate dating, and have always hated dating, especially "casual dating". It is just awkward and peoples feelings get hurt and it isn't a fun place to be in. Add kids to the mix and it is even worse. You have to consider your feelings, and your kids feelings, and how everyone fits together as a unit. Then not only are you trying to figure things out but once again people have opinions and judgements. Are you dating before you should? Is the person you are dating right for you and your family? Should you just stay single and lonely forever? There is no right answer. You have to do what is best for you, and I guess eventually you get thicker skin and peoples comments don't hurt you.... I am not there yet.
As I deal with all of these things I am left wondering why. I wonder when enough is enough and if it is ever going to stop. I ask myself what could I have possibly done to deserve all of this. Then I come across phrases like this and understand others feel the same way...
So as I try to adjust to these new changes and losses in our family I try to look for the positive and take it one day at a time. However that is often easier said than done, and for today "I hate D words" is as positive as I can be.