I
think it's safe to say I have been having a rough time lately. I am
adjusting to all the changes and additions to my life, and instead of it
leaving me fulfilled it's left me completely overwhelmed. I am moving
from one activity to the next without ever stopping for some downtime.
Previously this wouldn't have been a problem. I gathered energy from
being surrounded by people. I loved always being on the go. Downtime
wasn't something I needed or enjoyed, but that is no longer the case. It
was a foreign concept to me and something I didn't really understand.
So when I started feeling overwhelmed I wasn't sure why. I kept thinking
I was just adjusting to being back at work part time, or adjusting to
Ashley being in school, or adjusting to the accommodations I have to
make around the house etc. It just seemed like the normal adult life
stuff that everyone deals with. Parents are always joking about not even
going to the bathroom alone. I couldn't even really identify what the
problem was, it was just normal adult stuff... right?
A couple weeks ago I did an interview with Ronnie Eaton, and during our
talk I realized maybe it wasn't quite as normal as I thought. We were
discussing Ronnie's latest album and a couple of the songs that really
stuck out to me. Though I loved all of them, there was one song I
couldn't get out of my mind. "Smile and Nod" ran through my head all day
every day. It was like the song was reading the thoughts straight from
my brain. It was expressing exactly what I was feeling. When talking to
Ronnie I asked him what inspired him to write the song and he confessed
it was a bit different from the others because although the other songs
were about a variety of characters who had played rolls in his life,
this song was about him. It expressed the feelings he was having. He
started saying I might not understand, but that his mind is going all
the time. There isn't a second that he isn't thinking about something,
or analyzing something, or trying to figure out what others are
thinking. At which point my thoughts were.... "Wait! What??? You mean
everyone isn't like that?" He went on to explain how this had gotten him
into tough spots because since his mind is always working, he
assumes everyone else's does the same. So if he is in a room with someone
and they are quiet, he assumes they are thinking about something, and if
they won't tell him what it is, he automatically starts thinking he has
done something wrong, and begins rehashing all of his comments and/or
actions to figure out exactly what he did wrong. When he can't figure it out he still automatically blames himself. He assumes he must be failing in some way. Hmmm.... check... yep, I
definitely do that too, and for both of us it ends in the same results.
We over think situations, we over analyze, and we walk around worrying
about doing things wrong. This doesn't help us at all. Instead quite the
opposite... it makes us unable to be our carefree selves. It prevents
us from having the fun we want to have. Which then bothers the people we
are with, to which we respond by over analyzing, and the cycle starts
over. Rinse... Wash... Repeat.
So where does that leave us? Well I have now identified the problem, but
I have absolutely no idea how to solve it. First it was impportant for
me to realize that not everyone is like this. Not everyone is thinking
things all the time, and not always am I doing something wrong.
Sometimes when I ask what someone is thinking and they say nothing, it
really is because they aren't thinking anything. So that solves problem
1. Now onto problem 2 after some time thinking about my life I realized
what I was really craving was some alone time. Some down time to stop
the thoughts that were constantly running through my head. I didn't have
the time to deal with them, which meant I couldn't stop them, and that
meant that nothing I was doing was getting 100% of me because these
thoughts were always occupying my mind. This was a very odd realization
for me. I had never craved alone time before, and I wasn't even sure
what it meant. Was it fair for me to want alone time? Should I be using
my free time for myself or should I be using it to get the million
things I needed to accomplish done? Was it selfish of me to take some
down time for myself?
So first I had to admit to myself that I couldn't keep doing this. I can't keep going and going to the point of being completely overwhelmed and exhausted. Something had to give, and not being able to keep up with all of it didn't make me a bad person. It didn't mean I failed. It was okay to not be able to do everything. So after moving on from that I had to address my idea that alone time is not selfish. In the last couple days I think I have finally realized that down time
doesn't only benefit me, but it benefits everyone. It can't be selfish
because everyone benefits from it. If I can take sometime for myself to
have down time, or time to accomplish the things I want to accomplish
then when I am with others I can devote my time more fully to them
because I am not distracted thinking by a million other things. By
taking this time I can quiet all or at least some of the thoughts. I can be more relaxed in a
situation because I am not stressing about the hundreds of things I
need to get done, instead I have already dealt with those things so they
are no longer a worry. This is something I have considered multiple
times. I keep saying I need to take some time for myself, but then I
never actually do it. Well this time it has to be different. This time I
have finally realized it isn't selfish. Not only does it benefit me,
but it benefits everyone around me. It might mean I have to give up a
little bit of together time with people I care about, but it means that
when I am with them I can be 100% with them, and I think that's
ultimately better for
everyone.
Now the easy part is over. I have identified the problem, and proposed a solution, but now I actually have to put that plan into action. I can't say it will be easy. I can't assume the plan won't need reevaluated and adjusted, but I can say that I am trying. I can say that it is something I want to change. I don't want to be that person any more. I don't want the me that is always worried, always thinking, always analyzing.I need that person to step aside, so that the fun, happy, and carefree me can come out. That's the me I like. That's the me my loved ones want to see, and it's the type of life I deserve. Everyone deserves that, and no it isn't selfish. It's okay, and in the end it's the only way to make myself a better person, which benefits everyone.
This is a blog I wrote with mixed thoughts. Originally I started writing for me. It was step one in making time for myself. However, the more I wrote the more I started thinking about putting it out there. For me it doesn't matter, for me writing it was the important part... but then I thought.... if
I feel this way and if
Ronnie feels this way then we probably aren't the only ones. So today I am putting this out for them. I want them to know they aren't alone. I want them to know it's okay to be overwhelmed, and it's okay to take times for themselves. Being the best them they can be really is what's best. So to those of you who are reading this and thinking you might feel some of those same things I want to say, "Be strong... You can do it... and if you can't then that's perfectly okay too! Take some time for you. Time to think. Time to regroup, and time to refill your batteries. Then and only then will you be the best you, the one you deserve to be."
