Tonight as I was listening to some music one of my favorite songs came on and I was instantly slammed with memories. This definitely isn't unusual as often when listening to a song I am transported back to another time and place, possibly the first time I heard the song, maybe seeing it performed live, or maybe some significant moment it was playing during. This wasn't like that though. They weren't memories that had any association with the song, or at least not directly. Instead they were memories of a friend. A friend I once considered one of my best friends, but a friend I haven't spoken to in over a year, and haven't seen in several.
Although I think of this friend often tonight it felt like I was run over by a truck. It was such a stark difference from my normal reaction to the song. Although it is a sad song and provokes emotion from many people, for me it provides peace. I cried the first time I heard it (and many times sense) but I also felt an overwhelming sense of comfort. Finally someone was saying what I was feeling, "Sometimes the greater plan is kind of hard to understand. Right now it don't make sense, can't make it all make sense."
That's not what I felt today though. When I heard it today I felt heartache. I could hear the words coming out of his mouth and I know he has felt these same things, and instead of peace I felt pain. I hate thinking about the pain he has gone through. I hate that he has suffered the losses he has, and I know he has felt the type of pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Through the years and changes in our lives we are no longer a part of each other's lives. We will shoot the other an e-mail on occasion or hear about the other through mutual friends, but we definitely aren't close the way we once were. I miss him, and I wish we were still as close as we once were, but even more than that I wish I could take away every ounce of his pain.