In a post last week I discussed the fact that I have been having a bit of a rough time lately. I am working on some things to help with my happiness and hopefully keep me from being so overwhelmed, all while adjusting to changes and restrictions. With some things changing so drastically it's hard not to get down from time to time, or to mourn the loss of my old life. It would be easy to just give up hope, but instead I'm really trying to focus on the positive things. With that comes accepting the things I can't change, without dwelling on them. That sounds easy enough, but some days that's simply easier said than done.
Friday while I was at work I was trying to stay positive, and was having a pretty good day. I was looking forward to the weekend, and I felt like some of the changes I was implementing were already starting to make a difference. During the afternoon I had some quiet time to myself and was thinking about several different things. As my mind continued to rehash everything going on in my life there was one question I kept coming back to. I was trying to make a rational decision but basically needed to decide if I should follow my heart, and I am not sure there is anything rational about that. I felt like it's what I wanted to do, but was trying to determine if it was really what was best for everyone in the situation. I honestly felt like it was, but was having a hard time determining if that was a realistic view, or if it was skewed by my own personal wants. About 1:30 one of my coworkers came in to let me know she was taking over and they were letting me go early. I was still in the middle of thinking about this, when she walked in, and decided I would give it a little time before making a decision, and by then maybe there would be some sort of sign letting me know what to do. Maybe there would be something that would show me a little bit of hope that I was doing the right thing.
I started closing out which included taking the trash out to the dumpster behind the building amongst other things. On the side of the building there are several trees, which are gorgeous throughout Autumn. They have long oval shaped skinny leaves that are brilliant shades of yellow and red. I walked down the hall with thoughts still running through my mind and hoping that over the next few days I would get some sort of sign, some reassurance that I really was doing the best thing. I knew I couldn't dwell on it so with a quick "please let me know I am doing the right thing" I stopped thinking about it and stepped out the door.
As soon as I stepped out the door a smile spread across my face, and that quickly turned to laughter. All I could think about was Bill Engval saying "here's your sign" or John Wayne showing up multiple times and me saying "okay okay I get it!" You see, as soon as I walked outside my sign was laying right at my feet.
I picked the small sign up and took it back inside with me. I meant to take it home over the weekend but somehow it got left behind. Unfortunately it had some time to curl up, change color a bit, and wasn't in perfect shape by the time I returned on Monday, but that almost made it better. I wish I had a picture from the first day, but today when I walked in it was flat once again. It is now pressed between some tape and tucked safely inside my book. It's pretty hard to ignore the sign when you ask "Should I follow my heart?" and walk outside to find a beautiful leaf in the shape of a perfect red heart lying at your feet. Where this leaf came from I don't know. All the others are long skinny ovals, but wherever this leaf came from I am sure glad it did, because it's exactly what I needed that day. It was my sign, a little shimmer of hope that I am doing the right thing. A reminder that my heart may be bruised, but it's still intact and when I follow it, things will be okay.
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