Don’t seek a spot in my mind, sometimes it wanders
Don’t fight for a place in my heart, it’s been known to
break
Search for an entrance to my soul, and there you’ll truly
find me
What do you think of when you hear the term "soul mates"? It's such an abstract concept, and it has always been something I
thoroughly questioned, and not in a do I believe it or do I not kind of way,
but in an exactly how does this work and what does it mean kind of way.
There are so many different views on the topic and it
completely fascinates me. I want to study it, examine it, and learn everything
there is to know. I want to hear what others have to say, what others think,
what they question, and what they believe.
My view on soul mates is very different from most of the
people I know, and over the years I have learned it is something that is hard
for many to understand. I could sit and talk to you about it for days and never
fully explain what I believe, but today I am going to give you a little glimpse
into my thoughts, my beliefs, and maybe even a peek into what’s really in my
soul.
I believe that when we are put on this earth there are
people we are meant to find. People our souls connect with. People who function
on the same wavelength we do. In these people we find answers, we find comfort,
and often we find home. I don’t
believe we have just one soul mate though. I think there are multiple people
out there who connect with your soul in a way most never can.
Soul mates tend to be thought of as someone’s spouse or life long significant other, and although that’s a nice
thought, I don’t think that’s the only thing a soul mate is. I think soul
mates fill many different areas of our lives. It could be someone you are
destined to spend the rest of your life with, but then again it might not be.
Sometimes that’s the hardest challenge of it all.
I, myself, am a searcher. I know there are people out there
I am supposed to find and I am going to search and search until I find them. I
didn’t use to search, but then one day I felt it, and the feelings you have
when you find someone your soul connects with are unexplainable, nothing will
ever accurately describe it… no songs, no words, no pictures. It isn’t
something that can be defined, only felt. Feeling it is addictive though and
when I felt it I realized that if there were other people out there who I could
make feel that way, and vice versa I wanted to find every single one of them.
When I was in college I met one of my soul mates and it
rocked me to my core. It made me question everything I believed in, everything
I thought I knew. It pushed me so far outside my comfort zone that I couldn’t
even find solid ground, and yet it was one of the most amazing things I have
ever experienced. It wasn’t someone I dated. It wasn’t someone I wanted to
spend the rest of my life with, but it was someone who’s soul found mine and in
each other we found peace. We could, and often would, stay up all night
talking. Discussing anything and everything. I would get phone calls when I was
upset just because he could feel something was wrong. He pushed me to be a
better person, and when I fell short of what he knew I was capable of he didn’t
let me slide by. In fact he got mad, real mad, because when I hurt he hurt and
when I was happy he was happy, and in all my actions I carried a little piece of
his heart with me, and wherever he went he took a piece of my heart with him.
We had a bond that couldn’t be broken. When people met us
they knew instantly that we were a team and as a team we could take on the
world. It wasn’t something we ever questioned. Not a single time did we discuss
what was going on between us. We didn’t have to, we just knew. That wasn’t the
case for others though. Everyone wanted to know what was going on. People
didn’t understand the connection we had. People accused us of being in love
with each, sneaking around, doing things we weren’t. The thing is none of these
questions took place where we knew about them. We were completely oblivious.
Until one day someone asked him. I don’t know what exactly went through his
head when he was asked, but I know it shocked him enough that then he started
searching for answers. He started asking people… “Could she really be in love
with me?” “Am I the one she really wants?” “But if that’s true then what
about…..” “That can’t really be true can it?” This was happening for weeks
without me even knowing. I found out when a mutual friend told me I needed to
stop talking about it. Then another friend brought it up with me. They asked me
all sorts of questions. They told me the conversations they had had with him,
and the questions he was asking. The confusion he was feeling. It wasn’t until
years later that I discovered so much went on behind the scenes. I didn’t know
he was told not to talk to me and I was told not to talk to him. I don’t know why I didn’t know. I
should have known that. I could feel him hurting but I guess I thought he was
hurting for the wrong reasons. I thought he was hurting because he believed
what people were saying, and that he made the choice himself. It hurts me now knowing he thought I
wanted him to go away. I never wanted him to go away.
Months later some of us were camping and he showed up to
pick us up. We had seen each other a few times since the incident, but this
time it was different. We didn’t speak, but when I looked at him I knew. As we
continued packing up camp I went to put something in the car and as I walked
around the back of the car there he was. He looked at me the way he always had
and in the moment I knew that he wasn’t just looking at me, he was searching my
soul. Then he looked down, raised
his hand and held out a blue Gatorade (which was my favorite drink) and in a
quiet little voice simply said “We’re okay right?” I couldn’t say anything;
there was nothing to say. I just took the drink and smiled.
Everyone split up into different vehicles and he told me to
come with him. I climbed in his truck and it was like we’d gone back in time,
the conversations started again and the connection was there like it’d never
been broken, and yet somehow we knew as soon as I got out of that truck it
would never be the same. It couldn’t be, because what made it so perfect was we
never had to question it. And then we did, and it changed everything. We never
defined it, we couldn’t if we tried, but others tried for us and it broke it
apart.
It’s been over 10 years now, and as I predicted that day, it
was never again the same. We stayed in close contact for a couple years, and
then not so close. It’s been a couple years since we really talked, but I can
tell you without a doubt that the connection is still there, because on days
where everything is falling apart I get messages that say “I know you’re having
a rough time, just know someone cares.” And there are days he gets the same
from me, because although we were pushed, and we were tested, and everything
changed the connection never broke. Our souls are still connected, he can feel
me and I can feel him, and together we can find peace.
Many refer to him as my “one who got away,” but not me. It’s
never what I thought we were, but I do know our souls speak to each other.
My connection with him was always unique, and I knew it
couldn’t be replicated. However, I also knew there were others out there that
my soul was searching for and I needed to find them. I needed to search, and
search I did. On occasion I would feel something that gave me hope again. There
were people I thought I could get to that point with, but it was never right.
No one could ever find my soul and feel me the way he had. So after lots and
lots of searching and disappointment, last summer I decided to stop searching.
I gave up. I couldn’t do it anymore; it was going to destroy me. But as so
often is the case, once I had completely given up I felt it again, and once
again it rocked me to my core. I walked into a room and it slammed into me. As
our eyes met I instantly knew. There was a familiarity as if my soul was
screaming, “I’ve been looking for you. What took you so long?”
It happened on a night in September, and my head’s been
spinning ever since. I can’t tell you this story yet though, because unlike the
story above this is a story without an ending. It’s a connection that’s been
thoroughly questioned, and put through the wringer, and yet somehow it’s still
hanging on, likely by a thread. It’s there though and in that my soul can find
peace.
