Full Circle

Last night as I was dashing out the door to studio and Nick was headed to rehearsal we both stepped in the hallway to have the other check our outfits. Such a simple and normal moment in our lives, something we've done for years, even taking each other shopping because we know they'll be brutally honest and we can trust their opinion.

In the past year I've helped pick clothes for vacations, clothes for funerals, shoes for nights on the town, and most importantly engagement and wedding rings as he was planning his future with his soon to be wife.

We've always been close and for years our mom referred to me as his second mom. When he came home for weekends during college he would spend one night at home and one night at my place. When we were little I was the translator that deciphered his baby talk and let everyone know what he was saying. When he was a baby I had to be told to stop carrying him everywhere and bringing him whatever he pointed at, because that meant there was no need for him to learn to walk. He spent his toddler years crawling in my sleeping bag as we had campouts in the living room. Years later I gave him his first drink of alcohol and there will always be memories and stories we don't share with mom and dad.  I was there for his accomplishments, setbacks, heartbreaks, and now his love story.

I introduced Nick and Jenn Davis years ago when she was a model and he was a photographer. It started as a business like partnership, quickly became a friendship, and many years later, when the two of them caught up to what several of us already knew was inevitable, they began their happily ever after.

Nick has been an instrumental part of Ashley's life from the moment she was born. For years we joked he needed a shirt saying "I'm just the uncle" and she will still unapologetically tell you he's her favorite person. He's been a huge part of our little family and tomorrow he starts his own.

There may have been a few tears, but I couldn't be happier for him and his beautiful bride. And after 32 years of being his big sister, or "second mom" the lessons still the same,  it's once again time for him to walk on his own, in a new direction, hand in hand with the love of his life, as they begin their own family, and continue their happily ever after.

Congratulations Nick and Jenn. Love you both!

This quote comes back time and time again. So exact in the way I feel.

Everything in me knows I should be mad, I should hate you, and through tears I've said I do, but everyone knows it's not true.

I've gotten angry. I've wanted to lash out. So many times I've wanted to ask why this is so easy for you, but then I remember the countless messages I've left on read, and the dozens of calls I've refused to answer, yet they don't stop coming, and I know the truth, easy and unphased is just the mask you put on to get through the day.

My entire life I've believed love doesn't fade, it doesn't go away, and when you love you love forever. Now more than ever I know that's true.

I've always said "sometimes you simply have to love from far away" but there's nothing simple about it. It's like trying to live your life without part of your heart, missing part of your soul.

I can't go back. I don't want to. So I try to move on. I'm surrounded by great people. I've had wonderful dates. Everything I thought I ever wanted was offered to me. I should be over the moon. I should be estatic and filled with joy. And yet... all I feel is nothing... overwhelming numbness, complete emptiness.

So here I sit, not wanting to go back, unable to move forward; just waiting for a moment that sets my soul on fire, one that makes me complete once again.

You Weren't There

I finished directorship and earned my free car, but you weren't there.

I met my favorite comedian this week,  but you weren't there.

I got my test results back, and I'm a little scared, but you weren't there.

I heard our song again, and had to hide the tears, but you weren't there.

I fought the urge to call and tell you, because you weren't there

I cried myself to sleep again last night, but you weren't there.

You said you'd always be there, you promised me forever, but you weren't there.

"It'll Be Okay, It'll All Be Okay"

It's supposed to be my favorite event of the year, it always has been before. This is my 6th year, and I knew it would be different this year, but as it got closer the more it dawned on me. I kept blaming it on the venue change, or my new team. Maybe it was the lack of communication and disorganization from the new venue?  It'll be harder because I am stressed out. I am not as excited because I am in pain and my health isn't good. I am worried because of my additional responsibilities, and honestly the lineup isn't my favorite anyway.... I pushed the real reason father down the closer it got.

The night before I was supposed to leave I stayed at the comedy club for hours, just talking, and planning...... and stalling. Questioning if I should even go. The media packets weren't ready; that was a good excuse. I didn't have everything in place, money was tight, the weather was iffy, people would believe me if I gave any of the millions of reasons there were not to go, everyone would believe me, everyone except me.

I knew the truth, I knew they were all perfectly good reasons not to go. I knew they were all going to make the trip hard. I knew that they were all reasons I wasn't as excited as normal, but more than anything I knew that I could overcome them, and the real truth was the only thing that would keep me from going was YOU.

This was our event, the event we had worked together so many times before. Through the good and the bad, no matter what was going on between us, one thing we could absolutely do as a team was work this festival, and we could work it flawlessly.

I will never forget the day I was trying to explain that I would need someone to fill in for you on one of the days you couldn't be there. Someone suggested I write a job description explaining what it is you do during festival week, I said ya right what's that supposed to say "Seeking someone to keep me on schedule, jump into crowds and save me when things get rough, run across festival grounds, fix my hair and makeup when necessary, run a video camera, remind me repeatedly that everything's going to be okay, keep my blood sugar regulated, help schedule and run interviews, be available for whatever pops up, help with social media, keep our team in check, and have a completely flexible schedule for the entire week!" They just laughed and said "Yeah you might just have to go without him for the day, don't think you're going to fill that spot."

Then there's the look on your face the day I told you that we would be interviewing Dallas Smith. The memories of the first Blackjack Billy interview, the Alan Jackson performance, the countless nights in the hang tent, or the day I told the guy from Getty there are only 7 billion people in the world so they don't have 9 billion followers and you died laughing, and that's just the beginning.

But here I was the night before Stampede knowing for the first time ever I was going without you. I had gone without you for a day or two, but this time for the entire event you would't be there. We were living our own lives now so this shouldn't be any different and yet it so clearly was. This was crossing a bridge that hadn't been crossed and severing a tie that couldn't be undone.

So instead of packing or getting ready I stood in the parking lot of a comedy club and as one of my best friends held me I cried, and I fought every urge inside of me to call you, but I didn't give in. I just stood there as we discussed all the options, tried to come up with a plan, and debated me going. Friends tried to talk me out of going and then tried to convince me to go, but ultimately realized nothing they were saying was going to change my mind and ultimately I was going to do what I wanted or needed to do for myself.

The next morning I pulled myself together, I packed my bags and I headed to Topeka, not because it's what I wanted, not because I was excited, not even because it was good for the company (although it was) but because I needed this. I needed to do this without giving into my emotions. I needed to do this for me.

Over and over I repeated "It'll be okay, it's all going to be okay!" People heard me say it all week long, no matter what happened, no media packets? "It'll be okay, it's all going to be okay!" No parking "It''ll be okay, it's all going to be okay" Rain delays? "It'll be okay, it's all going to be okay!" Mud? Gate Delays? Mice? Leaking Ceiling? Power Outages? "It'll be okay, it's all going to be okay!" and the week went on.

There were enjoyable moments, and we got great photos and some amazing interviews. We met some amazing new artists, and really got lots done for the company.

There were moments that truly restored my faith in humanity as people worked together to help get everyone out of the mud and make sure everyone was safe.

And there were some rough moments.... gate delays, canceled sets, poor communication, power outages, heat, long hikes through the grounds, storms, and lots of mud.

And of course there were some emotional moments... Do you know how many bands covered Matchbox 20 this weekend? 6! Seriously 6 different bands covering Matchbox!!!!  Do you know how many sang Randy Houser? 2! Including John King who we interviewed, and wrote one of the songs. I struggled, but managed to hold it together through that one! How about Uptown Funk? Just 1 but I was filming when it happened and it caught me completely off guard. And do you think during any single one of those I wasn't instantly flooded with memories??? Of course not! When will they ever stop?  Why do they linger on?

Theb there was the moment in the campground when Damien asked from the stage if anyone wanted to hear a love song and I shook my head no, and he decided that was the perfect opportunity to tease me about knowing I was in love or at least knowing someone was in love with me and dedicating the next song to me. I held it together, but the next song he played was Rascal Flatts "What Hurts The Most" at which point I just sat in the grass with tears streaming down my face and let myself feel all the feels.  Once it was over I collected myself got several hugs and went on about the night. "It'll be okay, it'll all be okay."

Then came Saturday when you decided to start texting asking "How's it going?" Everything in me wanted to scream at you, "How do you think it's going? Haven't you seen the stories we've put out or at least the stuff Stampede has put out? What do you think is happening when I have an entirely new team and an entirely new venue that's completely covered in mud????" but again I didn't give in. "It'll be okay, it'll all be okay" I had an interview to do, and I did, and again I went on with my night.


Yesterday you texted again saying "Best one ever, right?" I wanted to respond, part of me wanted to lie and say yes, part of me wanted to be honest and say no.... but instead I stayed silent. I have stayed silent for months, and yet you still text. Every time I wonder if it will be the last one. I don't get it, is it the tie you're scared to sever? Maybe we're not living as completely separate lives as we think we are, or maybe it's just the sadness for what used to be.

And just for the record.... I never went in the hang tent and it wasn't the best one ever, but "It'll be okay, it'll all be okay, and it was!"

TBI

I have a TBI (traumatic brain injury)

Ive been living with it since my car accident about 3 years ago.

It impacts my life every single day.

I wish you understood it better. I wish the doctors understood it better. I wish I understood it better.

I have a TBI and it sucks, but I'm still trying, I keep fighting, and Im not giving up.

Soul Mates: Those We Are Searching For

Don’t seek a spot in my mind, sometimes it wanders

Don’t fight for a place in my heart, it’s been known to break

Search for an entrance to my soul, and there you’ll truly find me

What do you think of when you hear the term "soul mates"? It's such an abstract concept, and it has always been something I thoroughly questioned, and not in a do I believe it or do I not kind of way, but in an exactly how does this work and what does it mean kind of way.

There are so many different views on the topic and it completely fascinates me. I want to study it, examine it, and learn everything there is to know. I want to hear what others have to say, what others think, what they question, and what they believe.

My view on soul mates is very different from most of the people I know, and over the years I have learned it is something that is hard for many to understand. I could sit and talk to you about it for days and never fully explain what I believe, but today I am going to give you a little glimpse into my thoughts, my beliefs, and maybe even a peek into what’s really in my soul.

I believe that when we are put on this earth there are people we are meant to find. People our souls connect with. People who function on the same wavelength we do. In these people we find answers, we find comfort, and often we find home.  I don’t believe we have just one soul mate though. I think there are multiple people out there who connect with your soul in a way most never can.

Soul mates tend to be thought of as someone’s spouse or life long significant other, and although that’s a nice thought, I don’t think that’s the only thing a soul mate is. I think soul mates fill many different areas of our lives. It could be someone you are destined to spend the rest of your life with, but then again it might not be. Sometimes that’s the hardest challenge of it all.

I, myself, am a searcher. I know there are people out there I am supposed to find and I am going to search and search until I find them. I didn’t use to search, but then one day I felt it, and the feelings you have when you find someone your soul connects with are unexplainable, nothing will ever accurately describe it… no songs, no words, no pictures. It isn’t something that can be defined, only felt. Feeling it is addictive though and when I felt it I realized that if there were other people out there who I could make feel that way, and vice versa I wanted to find every single one of them.

When I was in college I met one of my soul mates and it rocked me to my core. It made me question everything I believed in, everything I thought I knew. It pushed me so far outside my comfort zone that I couldn’t even find solid ground, and yet it was one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. It wasn’t someone I dated. It wasn’t someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but it was someone who’s soul found mine and in each other we found peace. We could, and often would, stay up all night talking. Discussing anything and everything. I would get phone calls when I was upset just because he could feel something was wrong. He pushed me to be a better person, and when I fell short of what he knew I was capable of he didn’t let me slide by. In fact he got mad, real mad, because when I hurt he hurt and when I was happy he was happy, and in all my actions I carried a little piece of his heart with me, and wherever he went he took a piece of my heart with him.

We had a bond that couldn’t be broken. When people met us they knew instantly that we were a team and as a team we could take on the world. It wasn’t something we ever questioned. Not a single time did we discuss what was going on between us. We didn’t have to, we just knew. That wasn’t the case for others though. Everyone wanted to know what was going on. People didn’t understand the connection we had. People accused us of being in love with each, sneaking around, doing things we weren’t. The thing is none of these questions took place where we knew about them. We were completely oblivious. Until one day someone asked him. I don’t know what exactly went through his head when he was asked, but I know it shocked him enough that then he started searching for answers. He started asking people… “Could she really be in love with me?” “Am I the one she really wants?” “But if that’s true then what about…..” “That can’t really be true can it?” This was happening for weeks without me even knowing. I found out when a mutual friend told me I needed to stop talking about it. Then another friend brought it up with me. They asked me all sorts of questions. They told me the conversations they had had with him, and the questions he was asking. The confusion he was feeling. It wasn’t until years later that I discovered so much went on behind the scenes. I didn’t know he was told not to talk to me and I was told not to talk to him.  I don’t know why I didn’t know. I should have known that. I could feel him hurting but I guess I thought he was hurting for the wrong reasons. I thought he was hurting because he believed what people were saying, and that he made the choice himself.  It hurts me now knowing he thought I wanted him to go away. I never wanted him to go away.

Months later some of us were camping and he showed up to pick us up. We had seen each other a few times since the incident, but this time it was different. We didn’t speak, but when I looked at him I knew. As we continued packing up camp I went to put something in the car and as I walked around the back of the car there he was. He looked at me the way he always had and in the moment I knew that he wasn’t just looking at me, he was searching my soul.  Then he looked down, raised his hand and held out a blue Gatorade (which was my favorite drink) and in a quiet little voice simply said “We’re okay right?” I couldn’t say anything; there was nothing to say. I just took the drink and smiled.

Everyone split up into different vehicles and he told me to come with him. I climbed in his truck and it was like we’d gone back in time, the conversations started again and the connection was there like it’d never been broken, and yet somehow we knew as soon as I got out of that truck it would never be the same. It couldn’t be, because what made it so perfect was we never had to question it. And then we did, and it changed everything. We never defined it, we couldn’t if we tried, but others tried for us and it broke it apart.

It’s been over 10 years now, and as I predicted that day, it was never again the same. We stayed in close contact for a couple years, and then not so close. It’s been a couple years since we really talked, but I can tell you without a doubt that the connection is still there, because on days where everything is falling apart I get messages that say “I know you’re having a rough time, just know someone cares.” And there are days he gets the same from me, because although we were pushed, and we were tested, and everything changed the connection never broke. Our souls are still connected, he can feel me and I can feel him, and together we can find peace.

Many refer to him as my “one who got away,” but not me. It’s never what I thought we were, but I do know our souls speak to each other.

My connection with him was always unique, and I knew it couldn’t be replicated. However, I also knew there were others out there that my soul was searching for and I needed to find them. I needed to search, and search I did. On occasion I would feel something that gave me hope again. There were people I thought I could get to that point with, but it was never right. No one could ever find my soul and feel me the way he had. So after lots and lots of searching and disappointment, last summer I decided to stop searching. I gave up. I couldn’t do it anymore; it was going to destroy me. But as so often is the case, once I had completely given up I felt it again, and once again it rocked me to my core. I walked into a room and it slammed into me. As our eyes met I instantly knew. There was a familiarity as if my soul was screaming, “I’ve been looking for you. What took you so long?”

It happened on a night in September, and my head’s been spinning ever since. I can’t tell you this story yet though, because unlike the story above this is a story without an ending. It’s a connection that’s been thoroughly questioned, and put through the wringer, and yet somehow it’s still hanging on, likely by a thread. It’s there though and in that my soul can find peace.

Can You Feel It?

In June of 2012, I was having a conversation and seemingly out of nowhere I was asked when I stopped believing in the Fairytale version of love. I can remember the exact moment like it was yesterday.  I can remember who asked me, where we were, and what we were doing… and I can remember the shocked look on his face when I answered. “I didn’t stop believing. I never started.” In that moment I realized maybe I’m not normal. I’ve never had a fairytale version of love. I’ve never thought love was a perfect thing between people. I don’t think it’s all rainbows and butterflies. I think love is about being there for the ups and the downs. Love is about knowing all the horrible things about a person and loving them anyway. As the saying goes… “We like someone because, we love someone although.”

It took years and years before I realized this isn’t how most people view love. In fact in my entire life I can probably count on one hand the number of people I know who legitimately view love like this (aside from the love between parents and children). Some say they do, but very few actually do. If people loved like this there wouldn’t be so many heartbreaks, so many divorces, so many breakups. Love wouldn’t be a word just tossed around lightly. It would be a word filled with tremendous thought, feeling, and emotion. It would be something that really meant something, and honestly it would be terrifying.

It really doesn’t sound like a big deal. People love differently, so what? Right? The problem is, loving like this leads to confusion and heartbreak. It leads to lots of questions and people who really just don’t get it.  When this is all you know it is hard to understand that other people don’t. I say exactly what I mean, and for some reason I still think other people do the same. I am honest and I trust other people to be as well, and when I love someone I really truly love them.

When you love unconditionally it is a constant battle. People don’t get it. Everyone thinks your crazy. Friends and family try to convince you, and you truly want to listen to them. You hear what everyone is saying. You know you don’t deserve to be hurt. You know that sometimes people aren’t worthy of the type of love you give them, but you can’t stop. You can’t choose to just stop loving someone. You might chose what role they play in your life, you might chose how you act on it, but you can't chose to stop loving them. 

On one of the final episodes of How I Met Your Mother, Ted says “"Actually, there is a word for that. It's love. I'm in love with her, okay? If you're looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, its love! And when you love someone y-you just don't stop. Ever". Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just- you don't give up because if I could give up... If I could just, you know, take the whole world's advice and- and move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love. That would be... That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But that is not what this is." and in that moment I felt like someone else in this world finally got it. Okay so he is just a TV character, but someone had to write that, which means someone else out there knows what that’s like. Someone else has felt it. 

I have always loved like Ted loves. It has broken my heart numerous times, and if I could stop I would, but I can’t. It’s part of who I am. It’s the only kind of love I know. I want to think there are other people in the world like this, others out there who just get it. Others out there you don’t have to explain it to. Others you can just look at and now they felt it the same way I did.

Sometimes I start to lose hope. I start believing there’s no one else like that. I start thinking maybe I am crazy. No one understands it the way I do. No one feels it like I feel it, but then someone will come along and I will see things in them that make me think that maybe, just maybe, they get it. Maybe they understand. Maybe they feel it the way I do, and in that moment even if for just a moment I feel less alone. I feel a slight glimmer of hope, and my heart whispers “don’t give up.” So I pull myself together. I try to keep believing, and hoping. I find myself wishing for there to be others out there, many others,  but the truth is there really only has to be one.